Giving birth is the most beautiful experience for a woman. That is the moment when the woman becomes a mother. Becoming a mother is a gift of god and how you become a mom does not matter. When your child is born before 37 weeks it is a premature or a preemie and things you hear as a mother of a preemie are weird and ridiculous.
A mother does not choose to bring the baby in the world when she knows he or she is not ready for it. Most of the times, the decision is not even in her hand. The decision is to ensure the safety of the baby and like other things a normal and a C-section delivery does not matter as well.
You should read the post, the Normal Vs C-Section Debate to see the pros and cons of both.
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My Preemie and Me
When a woman gets pregnant her main aim in life is to ensure the best for her baby. She will do everything possible so that her child is healthy.
In my case, I had a smooth pregnancy and I was an over-cautious would be mother as I did not want anything to go wrong. I ate healthy food, did everything my doctor suggested, ate everything I was told to eat and exercised regularly once I got the permission to do so. I attended birthing classes to know how to handle labor pains and how to take care of my baby.
In spite of everything going right, at 34 weeks, the baby stopped moving and I had to have an emergency c section. This is the worst nightmare for parents. When in their heads they think they have 4-6 weeks before the baby will arrive, in a matter of few hours they have their baby.
Having gone through it, I know this is a very stressful time for a parent as they take time to come out of the shock and they have to part with the baby as he or she will need to be monitored in the NICU.
Weird and Funny Things You Hear as a Mother of a Preemie
In such stressful times, there are some unreasonable comments and things you hear as a mother of a preemie, which add to the stress you are going through. We all need to respect a mother and her situation.
No mother will voluntarily walk in a hospital at 34 weeks and say please get this thing out. Trust me, she will never do that. Not everyone means bad, but their insensitive comments to hurt the new parents. Out of my experience, here are some things which you must avoid talking about to a mother or father of a preemie.
You are Lucky
People often say things like:
“You were lucky… you didn’t have to go through the toughest part of pregnancy-the last month. And you even avoided labor pains.”
Most of the time, they mean well. They think they are being supportive or comforting.
But what they don’t realize is that comments like these can be deeply offensive and hurtful to a new mother—especially a mother of a preemie baby.
A mother would never risk her baby’s health just to save herself from pain, discomfort, or the hardships of the final month of pregnancy.
If a mother is given a choice, she would gladly carry her baby till the right time—even if it meant going beyond 40 weeks.
Because for a mother, nothing comes before her child’s safety.
A mother’s love is the purest form of selfless love. It is instinctive, unconditional, and protective.
So when people make such statements, they may not realize it, but they dismiss the emotional struggle, fear, and pain that comes with delivering a preterm baby.
Some things a mother hears after having a preemie are simply unnecessary—and honestly, they should never be said.
Sleep till They Keep the Baby
A mother whose baby is taken away immediately after birth can never truly sleep.
She is not resting.
She is worrying.
I still remember how the medicines and anesthesia made me drowsy, yet I kept waking up again and again throughout the night. My mind refused to relax.
By morning, we were both awake by 6 AM so that my husband could go and see the baby.
I also remember repeatedly calling the doctors and nurses, requesting them to remove the catheter as soon as possible. All I wanted was to get up, walk, and go hold my little princess.
I had waited for her for so long. And now that she was finally here… she wasn’t with me.
That feeling was devastating.
Sleep was the last thing on my mind. And little did I know, this sleeplessness would continue for the next few months.
But without a doubt, this is one of the strangest and most insensitive things people say to a mother of a preemie.
For those who do not understand the feelings of a parent of a NICU baby, you should read the post, Baby in NICU is a Tough Phase.
Is Your Baby Normal
This is the worst fear of a parent of a preemie. When my doctor told me we had to go in for a c section, my only question to her will my baby be ok? She assured me that nothing will be wrong.
It is known that preterm babies are at a higher risk of developmental problems. Do not talk about this to a parent who for sure will always be stressed about this and cannot do anything except praying and hoping.
Premature baby care is important and crucial and no parent will ever compromise on this and these questions just add to the stress.
You are Hyper
Taking care of a new born is anyway a very difficult task, and premature baby care requires more effort. A premature baby should not be exposed to germs at all. The reason my doctor gave me was that their immunity system is not well developed yet and an infection can cause complications.
Our pediatrician said we need to be extra careful and keep her away from any possibility of an infection. Do not ask the parents to expose the baby to germs to make her stronger. Even if you feel they are being hyper, it is for a reason. Let them be.
That is a Big baby
A preemie baby is one who is born before 37 weeks of pregnancy. This has nothing to do with the weight. It is a good thing if the baby has the right weight. There are far more complications involved if the baby is underweight. The parents are relieved about this and saying this will not be appreciated.
You are Not a Real mom
This is not one of the things you hear as a mother of a preemie but also as a mother who goes through a c section. Just because she did not bear pains does not make her less of a mother. She let the doctor cut layers and went through a tough recovery to ensure her baby was fine. How does this make her less of a mother or as they say not a ‘real’ mom?
You should read the post, 10 C-Section Recovery Tips, to help you recover better and ignore what people have to say.
Breast is best
A mother after a c section has problems feeding and when the baby arrives early this becomes more difficult. Many times, mothers of NICU babies are able to breastfeed but sometimes, like me, they are not able to. Do not remind her about breast feeding and its importance. She knows it. But she also knows more than breast is best, fed is best. The baby’s health is more important rather than right or wrong.
If you have heard this or are going through this phase, read the post, The Pressure to Breastfeed.
This is Common in Your Country/Society
Women from a lower income bracket or women abroad are said to have normal deliveries because they work harder. Is it a mother’s fault she is where she is? As per statistics, one out 8 new born babies in the USA are preemie. So how is India different from there?
This is the worst thing you can say to a mother of a preemie. She is anyways very guilty of not able to keep her child for longer. The worst thing she hears is that it was her fault. All emergency c secs happen due to a medical reason and it in no way is the mother’s fault.
Your Child is Slow
A preemie baby till the age of 5 is known to do things as per the adjusted age and not their real age. This means what a full-term baby will do at 5 months they might do at 6 months, if they were born at 36 weeks. They all come to the same level gradually.
Telling a mother how her child is not reaching milestones as per the norms and is slow, is very rude. Each child anyway is known to be different and they all do things at their own pace. Never make a mom feel sad about her child. She is proud of her little one, and let her be. “Their first step may have taken a little longer than others, but the journey to get there, made it that much more victorious”
Support a Preemie Mom
Apart from this, there are several other things you hear as a mother of a preemie. Many do not realize they are being insensitive but they also do not know what the parents are going through emotionally. Be in their place, and you will know their plight.
You should read, 8 Things You Should Say to Parents of a Preemie
If you cannot make them better, stay quiet. All they need is your love and support and your blessings for the health of their baby. And for the mothers, ignore what people say. Enjoy the moment. Remember, “Being the parent of a preemie means you are extra special. After all, God does not pick anybody to witness a miracle”
‘You are lucky’ and ‘sleep till they keep the baby’ actually made me smile. I was wondering how can people think or say like this. It shows less common sense and low EQ level. Sometimes I feel if they don’t know what to say then better to keep quiet.
I wish people understood that 🙂
Somethings are not in our hands and preemie is on of them. A worth post to be read by every to-be mother. No one wishes it will happen but its always better to stay prepared and this posts tells a lot.
Thanks a lot for reading and appreciating 🙂
I think these are hurtful queries as a Mom of a preemie is already going through her own roller coaster of emotions. People should learn to quell their curiosity.
They really need to. Thank you 🙂
My elder one was born in 34 week and I had gone through the similar situation. I know that stressful feeling when as a mom you had thousands of thoughts about wellness and health of your pre term baby but people without understanding that throw their unwanted advises. not paying attention to them is best policy that has worked well for me.
No one would understand it more than a mother who went through the same. Thanks for reading 🙂
Oh this is something that many people should read. Though my first was a c section, no one dared to say I’m not a real mother. I wonder why!! 😆… But that’s just a sad thing to say to someone who is new to motherhood.
People do not realize many times how insensitive they can get. Thanks for reading 🙂
I so hear you Arushi…people are so callous and every word you have stated rings true. In my case I was tiny and my baby was BIG..I had a horrifying C section and even after…my postnatal depression became chronic and I still suffer from it. But people can only make unkind idiotic remarks. My advise….just ignore them. They just don’t matter in your life.
A few years later I agree that the best is to ignore but at that time it is tough. Thus, I give all new moms this advice. 🙂
That does sound like some awful stereotypes! I have not been in this position but I know that people will find awkward and rude things to say no matter what the situation!
True. Thanks for stopping by 🙂
38 weeks, normal delivery, 2.5 kg baby, healthy baby, but I was still not a mom until I heard those not so wise words – sleep while he sleeps or he is being taken care, aren’t you feeding him properly, breastfeed is the best powder is useless.. Bla bla almost everyday. We all have our shares
True. We all learn to ignore. Thanks for reading 🙂
Lovely post, Arushi. You have poured your heart here. I could relate with every word as I have gone through the same. Mine was C-section and one of my baby was in NICU bcoz of the protocol birth weight. I too kept hearing your baby is weak, fragile and till date even when doctor said he is absolutely normal from all aspects and his immunity is more than my daughter.Harping that your child is weak hurts the mother most. I really wonder why ppl have to share their unwanted comments.
I wonder too. I know only someone who has gone through it will understand. Thanks for reading 🙂
It’s really tough to be a mother of a premie, not because of the situation but because of the society they make the living worst.
True. Half the problems in life are created by society. Thanks for reading 🙂