It was a Sunday night and my 10-year-old was packing her backpack for school. Usually on a Monday her bag is heavier than other days and she was cribbing about it. I was quietly listening to her and it struck me that as mothers do we not carry a backpack daily, an invisible one.
Two days later, I sat with my bestie in hospital. Her husband was admitted there. She sat on the bench with two phones in her hand, sending voice notes to her team for work, ordering groceries on the other, coordinating the school pick up for the kids, updating the family and friends on the status, discussing with me the test schedule of the elder one, and all this when she must be physically and mentally exhausted beyond words, and yet was handling everything alone. And I remember thinking, this is what carrying it all quietly looks like. Everyone will say she is a super woman, but how many of us see and appreciate the heavy backpack she is carrying, with a smile.
At that moment, I wanted to reach over, and take one of the phones from her hand, and say, let me do this for you. But I did not, because I know, even if I did, by evening she would have picked it right back up.
Table of Contents
What is this Backpack?
This bag is not a designer tote bag or a diaper bag, it has no zips, no straps, but trust me this feels heavier than any bag anyone carries physically. This bag has things that need remembering, planning and anticipating. Many times things that might not even happen, but you are already thinking about just in case they do.
And it does not matter, if you are a working mom or a stay at home mom, you always have this bag slung over your shoulder. Comparing the two never was, and never is, the point, because both are doing more than any single person can. This is also not about who works harder. This is just about the bag every woman wears, all the time, quietly.
And let me say this loud and clear, before I go any further, that this is not about undermining what fathers do. Most fathers I see show up, carry a real weight of their own, love hard, support the family and are always there. This is not a competition whose load is heavier or who deserves more credit. This is simply about the invisible backpack, filled with hundred tiny, invisible details, sitting on the shoulders of a mother. The strangest thing about this backpack is that the person carrying it rarely talks about the weight. This is not because she does not feel how heavy it is, but because she is convinced, that carrying it is a part of being a mother.
This is not a complaint, just my observation that I wanted to share.
What is there inside this backpack?
Let me try and unpack this bag for you.
It has the list of medicines and groceries running out, a doctor’s appointment for the children, whether their sports clothes are ready for the tennis class and the project submission next week. It has a mental note to organize gifts for the birthday party next weekend, and how to ensure the child is well prepared for a science test next week.
It has details of the pending homework, how to support the husband more, whether the current medications are suiting her parents, and what should be the menu when the friends come over this Friday. And somewhere in the bag is something completely unrelated, a flicker of worry whether you are doing everything right.
No one hands over this backpack. This does not come with any manual and neither is there an orientation to handle it. You wake up one morning, and it is on your back, and you are the only one knows what’s inside it.
The Guilt that Comes Free with it
The part that no one warns you about is that this bag is not only about a to-do list. It comes with guilt, quietly tucked in every corner and pocket.
You can spend all day planning, remembering, organizing and being there; but still every night when you get into bed, you will wonder, if you did enough. No one would have told you that you did not do enough-you are the one who keeps moving the target.
You feel guilty when you work, because you were not home to listen to the after school stories and give a hug to the child. When you are home, you feel guilty, because you should be doing something more. You feel guilty when you sit down with your coffee, scrolling Instagram, and think what all is still pending.
In the last 10 years of parenting, I have realized, it is not about what we did or how much we did or what was not done, it is that we want everything to be perfect and we care too much that it does not feel good enough. And this, is the heaviest thing in our backpack.
Why No One Notices the Bag?
The strangest part is that this backpack doesn’t have an off switch. You can sit down with a cup of coffee, but your mind is still checking tomorrow’s schedule. You can lie in bed, but suddenly remember the school form that needs to be signed. You can be on holiday and still wonder whether everything back home is taken care of. The body may be resting, but the mind is still carrying the bag.
This backpack is completely invisible to everyone except you. Nobody notices when you are thinking what all is needed when you are doing grocery shopping, no one sees while at work, your mind is on whether the little one is back home and safe and had a good day, nobody sees when at midnight you remember the birthday gift for the weekend party is not organised and you are scrolling to find something.
We carry this bag so elegantly and comfortably, that everyone around us feels she is doing just fine. We also do not say much because we are used to carry it and we do not feel complaining is an option.
The weight though invisible is a weight after all. Just that no one sees does not mean it is not there.
How to Make the Backpack Lighter?
Honestly, I don’t have a magic answer to this. I so wish I did. What I have realised, we cannot carry it silently and expect it to become lighter suddenly. Talking about it might help, to a friend, your partner, your parents. They do not need to do anything, as sometimes, venting out is all you need. Just saying what is inside your head, helps.
Asking for a small help, is never a sign you are unable to manage things. It just proves you are human and not a superhuman.
Sometimes, take an hour off. Go grab a coffee with a friend, get a head massage done, go for a spa, or do whatever helps you unwind. And always remember, every now and then, remind yourself, the guilt you carry is not a reflection on how little you do but a proof you think and do a lot.
Does this Bag Ever Get Empty?
When Little Miss A was a toddler, I thought things will get easier when she grows up or could I say the bag will get lighter. But I have realised, this bag does not get empty or lighter, just the contents change. The stress of handling meltdowns when she started school have changed to tests and projects and will one day become college applications. I know I will just repack this bag and it will never get empty. This is not sad but clearly a reflection of how much we love and care.
And maybe that is the only thing worth remembering. So the next time you catch yourself feeling that you do not do enough, just pause for a second. Look at your backpack and what all you are carrying. That’s the only proof you need.
I think of the friend, may be now sitting on her couch, with two phones in her hand, carrying it all with a smile. I hope, she will be able to keep them down for an hour, chill and relax. I hope someone can take one of them from her hand for a bit. And I hope you have someone who does the same for you. Because sometimes, love isn’t helping her carry the backpack. It’s reminding her that she is allowed to put it down.
