Last week my husband and I met someone who asked., “Are you serious about having an only child?” This was just the beginning of the conversation and then it went on to the pros and cons of having only one child and by choosing to not have a sibling for Miss A we were being selfish.
This was not a one-off discussion I have had with people in the last fours. By choice, we are parenting a single child but the world around us is trying to convince us to have another one.
While I agree like every coin has two sides, there are pros and cons of having only one child. I am the only child of my parents and I have no regret of not having a sibling. While growing up it was just the three of us at home. We stayed in a city where there was no family and thus, there were no cousins. Never during my childhood, I missed having a sibling and I still do not, and I never asked my parents for one.
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It is a Choice of the Parents
Having only one child is a choice a couple makes. There is nothing wrong with it. If you want two kids, it is amazing and I have a lot of respect for you. Similarly, if I have decided to parent a single child, please respect my choice and do not judge me.
We judge people around us as if it is our birth right. We do not realize that our conversations about passing judgments are not healthy for the kids. You should read the post, Parents: To Stop Judging People is The Need of the Hour.
Coming back to having only one child. My husband and I have decided to have one child only. Since she was 1 questions about the second one started coming from all around. But we both were always on the same page with respect to this. Choosing to have only one child was our choice and we are happy with it.
Is A Sibling Always a Friend for Life?
Having one or two children is a personal choice and there is nothing right or wrong about it. The idea most people have for having two children is that they will both be there for each other and be a support structure.
Yes, having a sibling is having a friend and later in life may be a support. But is it always true?
When I look around and see how siblings do not even communicate or are fighting about the parents or the property, I feel my parents were right and I have made the right decision too. A sibling should be there for emotional support, but today, most of the time, siblings stay in a different city or country and are rarely there for each other. You cannot predict how the two will grow up and what relationship they will share.
Also do we not burden the kids with expectations of how they should be with each other and then added pressure on their spouse later to have a healthy relationship. We like it or not, the patience and endurance levels are less and the last thing people want to do is a compromise with their life. In such a world, I feel having two kids because they will be there for each other is not the right reason.
You should have a second child because YOU want to have one. You enjoy bringing up two kids. Giving attention to two kids is not a problem for you both physically and financially. You can have many reasons, but they should be about you and not based on assumptions and predictions.
Sibling or Friends?
Since Miss A was born I have always wanted her to be strong emotionally and have a high emotional quotient. She has to be kind and empathetic and this will take her a long way in life and help make her friends.
Friends are the relationships you choose and this makes them our biggest support system. I have made some beautiful friends and have built some strong relationships while growing up. They support me better than a sibling would ever have.
As I said choosing to have only one child is a personal decision and there is nothing wrong with it. For someone, a sibling can be a best friend and for someone, a friend is the most indispensable person. At the end of the day, it depends on how your relationships are and how the other person, sibling or friend, feels about the bond.
In today’s world, it is important to focus on bringing up an emotionally strong child. To know why, head to the post, Why Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is Important.
Misconceptions About Having Only One Child
There are some notions about a single child and trust me, most of them are wrong. Why I am talking about this is because I have seen couples are convinced about having only one child but people give them so many cons of single children, that they feel pressurized.
One or two or three children is a choice and it should remain so. Like every argument, there are pros and cons of having one child. To start with, let us clear some doubts, and discuss some misconceptions:
Single Children Are Lonely
Every person advocating a second child always gives the logic on how a single child is lonely. The fact is they are alone in their play or at home but are not lonely. I feel a single child who spends time alone is self-aware and has a strong character. They understand and learn about themselves and not be influenced by others.
These kids have more time to discover themselves, their likes and dislikes and also their hobbies. Single kids eventually learn to keep themselves busy and are not dependent on others for entertainment. This is an ability, in my opinion, is very important in the present times we live in.
The year 2020 has been a perfect example of how the ability to spend time with yourself is alone and how it is important for a strong emotional quotient.
If you think emotional intelligence is not important, the post, Emotional Intelligence is More Important Than Intelligence, is a must-read.
Single Children Are Selfish
Every time someone is trying to convince me to have a second child, they tell me that Miss A might grow up to be selfish. Their logic is as she will not face any sibling rivalry, she will always think about herself.
I do not agree and most of these people when come to know I am a single child are at a loss of words (I am not bragging 😉).
A child is selfish or kind, insensitive or empathetic, good or bad because their parents exhibit these traits and the kids learn from them. Siblings in no way are the only people who help a child develop these traits. If Miss A grows up to selfish, I think it is me as a parent who should be blamed and not the absence of a sibling.
And as far as sibling rivalry is considered, competition with friends is also the same. Kids anyways have to live in a world of competition, so not having any at home does not matter and rather is a blessing sometimes.
The post, 10 Ways to Teach Kindness and Empathy To Kids is a helpful source if you are looking at how to inculcate these values in kids.
Single Children Are Spoilt
A child can be spoilt if he is single or has four siblings. Whether a child is spoilt or not, will depend on how indulgent the parents are. Discipline in the house and giving in to the kids is what makes them spoilt and not the presence or absence of siblings.
Having one child does not mean that he or she is pampered and spoilt. I do not agree. Yes, they do get undivided attention from the parents but this has also makes them more secure, happy and independent.
Single Children Lack Social Skills
A child’s social skills depend on parenting and the home environment. Exposure to people and socializing from an early age is what influences social skills.
Siblings do not determine the number of friends you will make. Maintaining friendships and making new friends is a personality trait. In fact, I feel most of the single children are more sociable and friendly because they make efforts to ensure their relationships develop into strong bonds.
I have seen where the kids spend a lot of time with a nanny are shy as compared to those who do not have a nanny. Thus, having one child, in my opinion, has a limited impact on social skills.
Quality time with parents is important for social skills and not siblings. Read the post, Top 5 Benefits of Spending Quality Time With Kids.
Why Having Only One Child Works for Me?
Motherhood is not easy and it is a roller coaster ride. There can be many reasons why a couple decides to have only one child. Some might have financial constraints whereas some have medical reasons. Whatever the reason is, deciding to have a single child does not make you a bad parent who is depriving their child of a special bond. Never feel guilty and ensure the world respects your choice.
Let us talk about some reasons which work for me and also for other parents of single children:
Done with The Effort
I try and put a lot of effort into bringing up my daughter. I am not complaining but yes, it does take a lot of time and energy and I am not willing to do it again. Some people think I am being selfish. I might be, but I do not care. I feel I do not need to bring another child into the world because of the pressures of the society. If I cannot commit myself the same way, I will be unfair to the baby, and this is something I do not want.
Each stage of growth comes with its challenges and we have learnt to work around them and grow together. I cannot see myself doing the nappy changes and the sleepless nights again. She is 4 now, and we are busy with the current issues and starting from scratch with another baby will need a lot of effort.
Many have a solution to have another one and keep a maid. This is not acceptable to me. At the end of the day, I am the parent not the maid. I never kept a maid for Miss A and I will not want to be unfair to another baby.
The Bond is Stronger
Single children tend to have a stronger bond with their parents. The time I get alone with my daughter is precious. We play, dance, sing and do silly stuff.
A single child has their emotional demands met, and this makes them bond more with their parents.
An only child is more resilient. It has been proved that having only one child makes parents more resilient, patient and calm and these are the traits the kids imbibe.
There are no unhealthy sibling relationships and no parents taking sides. This develops into a stronger bond to understand the parents and create a relationship of friends more than parents.
Give the Best
As parents, we want to give our children the best. Times have changed and so have the pressures at school and home. They demand a lot of time and energy. Financially also, it is not easy to raise more than one kid in the present scenario. You need to prioritize and be financially sound to have two or more children.
Kids are expensive these days and I would rather give one the best rather than taking it away from two. Many parents can afford two kids and many are ok with the idea of compromising, and this is perfectly fine too. After all, no one can think better for your kids than you can.
Planning for a child’s or your children’s future is a must. For those looking for help, should read, How Should You Plan for Your Child’s Future.
Single Kids Are More Independent
As there is no one to play with all the time, my daughter plays alone many times. As a child, I remember inventing silly games and playing on my own.
Self-sufficiency cultivates independence and ensures no physical or emotional dependence on people. Single kids have friends and extended family, and this way they learn how to socialize.
In our last Parent Teacher Meeting, Miss A’s teachers commented on how amazing it was that as a 4-year-old, she has her thought process, and her ability to hold a conversation is incredible. These things I think come with her because she has a decent time spent with adults which gives her a good vocabulary and maturity.
Single kids play like other kids, the only difference being, they can do it alone too. The ability to sustain on your own is great and helps a lot in adulthood.
Calmer Mother
More children mean more stress. Each child is different and thus, the challenges you face with each one of them is different. Handling one stress at a time definitely will make the parent a lot calmer and more patient.
This also means less stress and more me time. Taking care of the needs of one child is easier and less time consuming.
Kids do get on our nerves sometimes but that is a part of growing up. If you are looking for ways to stay calm, read the post, What To Do When Kids Get On Your Nerves?
Make A Choice and Be Proud of It
My thought process about having a single child is definitely influenced by the fact that I was an only child. I will reiterate that it is a personal choice and there is nothing right or wrong with it. The idea is to be a happy mother. If you think two children will give you more joy, you should go ahead. There are both pros and cons of having one child and thus, one should do what they believe in.
You should be able to give your best to your child or children and you are the best judge. One thing I will like to say is, have another child if you want to have one, and do not succumb to the pressure around you. Do what you think is right.
Parenting is a roller coaster ride. All I have to say is decide the number of people you want with you and just enjoy the drive.
