It is a common sight in a house with working parents, that the kids are left with either the paternal or maternal grandparents. Many believe that seeing grandparents as babysitters is most common in India. The fact of the matter is, it is seen across many cultures and in many countries. The post on Grandparents being Primary Caregivers shows the statistics which are an eye-opener.
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Why Do Parents Choose Parents as Babysitters?
As compared to our parent’s generation, we have a higher number of working women. A woman has to always take a crucial decision to leave her job or continue working post maternity. This definitely is a big dilemma for her. While due to financial or professional reasons many decide to get back to work, the next big question they have to answer is about choosing a babysitter.
When struggling with this issue, the most common advice given is to take the help of the parents or the in-laws. With the increasing number of daycares and the financial ability to hire help, many parents are handling their responsibilities. Still, about 50% rely on parents to take care of their kids while at work.
Family over a stranger is naturally the first choice when it comes to handing over your little bundle of joy. But for our peace of mind and comfort are we taking our old parents for granted?
Are We Being Fair?
For generations, it is normal for kids to take their parents for granted. I do it and I am sure so do you. When you become a parent, you tend to do this more. Not blaming anyone here, but when we choose grandparents as babysitters, do we just assume things or we make a conscious decision?When we ask them to handle our babies or toddlers, are we not being unfair to them?
Parents should always remember that babysitting or taking care of their child is their responsibility and no one else’s. Parents work out of compulsions or a choice, and this, in no way means we burden them with the responsibility of our child.
Taking care of a child means they start their parenting journey again, which they have completed and in the best possible way. Why do we burden them with the duties when they have lived their parenthood? Is it not our turn now and was that not the reason why we brought a child into this world?
These are questions which we all need to answer and always remember the stage of life our parents are at.
Things to Remember
There are some things which we as parents, must keep in mind before we choose grandparents as babysitters. I will reiterate here, it is not easy for grandparents to be babysitters and thus, if we can, this should not be the first choice. There are problems with grandparents babysitting and these can become issues later.
Let us talk about a few things we must keep in mind before we choose grandparents as babysitters.
It is ToughFor Them
Do remember your parents are not young anymore and their energy levels are lower too. Yes, they managed everything while we were growing up but, now they cannot. If they managed well, why can’t we? The biggest of all problems with grandparents babysitting is to see do their energy levels allow them to be babysitters.
Many mothers would say that our mothers were not working and we have to manage work. Since I was five, my mother has been working. She had no help from either of my grandmothers and still, I am proud to say she was a fantastic mother. My parents worked hard to bring me up and yes, they did it alone, with no family help, and they did a great job.
As grandparents, they cannot run after the kids and do everything for them. Our grandparents and our parents are definitely healthier than us and fitter too, but that does not mean they are fit enough to handle kids.
Raising a child is not easy and I as a mother can vouch for this. Just doing their daily routine work can be extremely tiring. It involves emotional and physical exertion, and grandparents should not be subject to this on a daily routine.
Before you choose them as babysitters just ask yourself when we as young mothers find parenting stressful, how can we expect our parents to do this?
Babysitting Daily Means They Put Their Life on Hold
Just because the parents are working, we cannot expect the grandparents to put their lives on hold. I see old couples unable to make plans with friends or go for holidays just because they have to take care of their grandchildren.
Our parents have done this all their life for us, this is their time to live their life, free from all responsibilities. Taking help from them for a few days or weeks is fine, but subjecting them to this day in and day out is wrong. At their age, they should have their routine and not match it with the children or grandchildren.
And this is the time of their life where they should enjoy. Free from responsibilities and stress, it is the best time to do things they missed out on because of us. The least we can do is to give them time and opportunity to do it.
Expectations Differ
When we ask our parents to babysit, we expect them to do things our way. We have a list of boundaries for grandparents. Boundaries they need to adhere to and cannot cross when they are taking care of our kids because we cannot. This poses problems with grandparents babysitting for the family.
While setting alist of boundaries for grandparents, always remember, times have changed and so have the parenting styles. You should do things your way but do not expect them to do it that way. If the child is with them, let them handle them their way.
Yes, they are far more patient with them and they love them more than they loved you, so they will spoil them. Do not be mad at them for this. Disciplining the kids is your job, so do not delegate it to them. If you want to set rules and are strict about them, hire a nanny. It will be her job to follow rules. They are not doing a job. They are helping you and enjoying their grandchildren.
This post by Kimberly on Setting Boundaries for Overzealous Grandparents is a must-read for both parents and grandparents to know what grandparents feel and what boundaries they should stick to.
It is Not Their Moral Responsibility
Their responsibility finished when we were settled. If they refuse to baby sit or if they make their plans, we have no right to call them selfish. You can take their help when they are free, but do not make it their moral responsibility.
It is not appropriate to express your anger if they are not giving you the support you expect. We should not make them guilty for not doing it or make it sound like an obligation to them. I have seen grandparents find it very difficult to say no, and we are to be blamed for this.
Grandparents are Essential
Grandparents are family and they will give the child the values and the unconditional love a nanny would not. That does not mean we hand them the job to raise our kids. Let the children spend time with them. An hour a day is also enough. It is not the quantity but the quality.
If the option to send the child to daycare or a crèche is not there, it is ok to take help from your parents. Hire a nanny and let the parents oversee when they are. They do not need to babysit to teach life lessons to them.
If you want to know why grandparents are an integral part of growing up years, you should read, The Importance of Grandparents in a Child’s Life.
Grandparents as Babysitters: Enjoy and Let Them Enjoy
Let us not forget these are the years of your life where you can enjoy your kids and help them grow. Granny as Nanny is a good idea if you need help once in a while but giving them the task daily and taking them for granted is not right.
You want two kids as you are guilty of having one, and then you go to work leaving them both with parents. Is that right? There can be no one who will love your child like their grandparents, but, give them help to help you. Grandparents as babysitters also need support as you do.
Let the grandparents enjoy their grandchildren. Let them watch them grow and smile with them in their success and comfort them in their failure. We all are working hard to give our children a perfect childhood, but in this, we should not ignore the comfort and happiness of our parents. Let them enjoy their grandchildren and life now!!
